Something in the water in Geneva

In which our Diva gives thanks that her Frankenstein castmates made everything such fun backstage

Frankenstein Official Quote List
GreenMan Theatre, Fall 2014

You can be in various stages of beverage... ness.

Let's have you pout again. That was good.

You're just kind of frantic piano-ing, so you don't notice him right away.

She's a great governess. She's the best. And you really did have a frog situation with the other one.

If you're not Victor or the Creature, you can take five.
 - Am I the Creature?
 - If you don't know if you're the Creature or not, I can't help you.

So fight your natural instinct to get up and punch them in the face right away.

Walk it off. She's going to die. You just got beat up.

You're Enlightenment guys. You think you know everything because you read a book.
 - I read two books, thank you very much.

Any inappropriate audience reactions will be dealt with by the Creature.

I feel bad for Victor, but I hate him too.
 - Ding-ding-ding! You get to lead the talkback.

I made you a present.
 - I made you a playmate. He's in the park waiting for you.
 - Totally in keeping with the period. Handmade presents.

And once the set's built, the first time you smack your head on that wall will remind you.

Did we do this part yet?
 - No. Be careful.
 - Kung fu Frankenstein.

Easiest scene transition in the entire show. Except for the giant tarp.

I think Bill & Ted might have paid a visit and dropped their shoes off.

What am I doing?
 - Trying to comfort the crazy man.
 - Same as always.

Now let's do one "happy, fun, before everyone dies."

Let us talk of happier times. Things. Topics. Three T's.

And then I realized that someone was talking about watching Dexter's Laboratory when they were little, and I was sad.

No! No amount of torture? Line.
 - Yep.

Thank you, son. I will go and inform your wife. Uh, your future wife. Your bride.
 - That's the one.

Justine and Elizabeth, you learn about this conversation, and you can feel about that however you feel about that. Disgruntled is one option.

I wrote in big letters "Victor and Creature up." Because you both love the floor.

Whose body parts are these? Why hasn't CSI been invented yet? We can pay them in Toblerone and clocks.

Elizabeth, you're next. We're going to kill you now.
 - What about Henry?
 - Oh, yeah, Henry!
 - I'm going to live.

Dying is great. Keep doing it.

I think that will work better once I figure out where to touch her in a nice way.
 - Yes. We don't want any sort of lawsuits.

So in a... appropriate for Dad, and yet also, like, kind of locker-room way.

The Creature has an extra body part.
 - It's your purple appendage.

Go to the end of 7. Victor beats Effie. I mean Elizabeth. That's a different scene that I didn't write.

This guy said, "You look like Tina Fey," and I was like, "You're too old for me. Do you have a grandson?"

Why couldn't you get, like, a whole person and bring him to life?
- Well, that's no challenge!

I finished punching and I thought, "Oh, I wonder where I went with that? Well, it doesn't matter now."

My keyword for a crushed windpipe will be a lot of wheezing.

You're sort of period-esque moving while carrying a bench. And if that's not vague enough for you, I can try to make it a little more unclear.

That time I was listening for the knap. I have been growling. I like growling. Growling is fun.

That felt kind of weird.
 - It looked weird. I think it's because your foot got hooked on her boob.
 - If I had a nickel for every time somebody said that...

At what point in that do I die?

I've been saying, "I've been riding a horse for forever. Is this Felix's family?"
 - You'll notice that I'm walking weird. It's not just because I'm Spanish. I've been riding a horse.

I think you can enjoy his bad Spanish a little more. You already are, but you can be like, "Oh honey, we don't need to talk."

We speak the universal language.
 - Polish.

I wrote lots of kissing notes tonight. We'll work on it.

People will get it. And the people who don't, that's fine. Their friend will explain it to them in the car on the way home.

Warm up your slapping hand.

Ben's doing this reaction of "Oh, my hand came from a dead guy. That's gross. Oh, and this one too. That's also gross."

Henry, your grossness is still awesome. Keep it up. Literally.

It can get a little shouty. Then it's like, "I have rage! Don't you have rage? Yes! I have rage!"

Erick, you need to learn to use a blanket. Or maybe it's Frank.

Early is on time. On time is late.
 - Late is dead.

He's trying to defend you, but it's not working very well.
 - Yeah, you're supposed to be poking me.
 - I'm not into poking anyone.
 - It's against my beliefs.

You're so friendly. I'm too hungry to be friendly.
 - As long as you don't actually eat the people you're greeting, it's all good.

You sing like a bird. A vulture.

Becky, are you ready to get your face beat in?

Do you sweat?
 - He sweats on the inside.
 - I sweat on the inside and then I spit it all over Erick in our fight scene.

I think Val should go on just like that. Nothing says intimidation in the courtroom like a tank top and curlers.

I didn't care for Romper Room. It was too educational.

Everything has changed. The show is now a musical.
 - Ohhh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you!
 - That's now the jail scene.
 - Hey, I'd be way more scared of Madeline Kahn than some random thug with a stick.

It's all your fault. You made me kick my own butt.

Unfortunately, most of the sound and light cues are cued off of violence.

Ahh. Oh, my knee. Ahh.
 - Oh, come now, you're a better actor than that.
 - Ahh.
 - We're gonna have to shoot him.

I'm waving the grey flag.
 - It's like, I'm kind of giving up. I sort of quit.

I'm telling lies to the child. What else is new?

Keep the bottles for Foley purposes.
 - Keep the bottles for killing.
 - I actually said "Keep the bottles for Foley," not killing. But killing is just as accurate.

Don't pace behind me.
 - I'm not pacing. I'm staring.

Yeah, that would be me leaving my brain in my other pants. Or rather my pants in the wrong place.

You've never looked at your scalp before?
 - Not close enough to see freckles.

Twenty-seven.
 - Thank you, 27.
 - Sorry. Fifty-seven.
 - That's better.
 - Thank you, heart attack.

I was tempted, but I never seriously thought about it.
 - About what?
 - Punching someone.
 - Hunting someone?
 - PUNCHING someone.
 - Oh, I thought you said hunting someone.
 - That's a whole different level.

You want to do some highlights here so you can see the breakage of his head.
 - "Breakage of his head" is a phrase I really only want to hear in very specific circumstances.

I died? Nobody told me this.

Look what I found in the back.
 - Yay! More death!
 - More death bottles.
 - I'm going to have a fear of water bottles after this.

Why are we sitting on Duard?

She spent the whole week going "Thursday... Thursday..."
 - I'll kick his ass on Thursday.
 - And you know Mr. Val was like, "Honey, what's wrong?"
 - I haven't beaten anyone up in DAYS.

Do whatever you need to do to bring extra energy.
 - Should I eat all my Halloween candy?
 - I recommend doing that AFTER the show.

Thank you for washing my super-gross shirt.
 - Oh, yours was nothing compared to Erick's.
 - That was my excuse to myself.

Why didn't you make a puppy, seriously? Or, like, a chimpanzee.
 - Yeah, science starts with small animals. You should have made a slug.

And I saw it for the dumbest reason. I'm seven years old, and I saw Alan Rickman, and went *clutches heart*.
 - Y'know, Becky, that tells us so much about you.
 - It really does.

I'm going to tell her she's the cat's meow, and she's going to tell me I'm the cat's pajamas.
 - I love cats! And pajamas!

What if they canceled the show because someone couldn't get a shoe on?
 - That would be...
 - Ridiculous.
 - It would be a one-shoe show.

Erick, you've been e-Victored.
 - Wow.
 - You have no idea how much joy that brought me.

I will find you a water.
 - But only the green ones.
 - Don't start with me.

Looks like a greatcoat.
 - Well, it's good. I wouldn't call it great.

I already came up with a way that everyone could be happy. Except Justine.

Hey, Rachael, you used to be on my side. What happened?
 - I was never on your side. Sorry.

This isn't working.
 - You have to work for it.
 - I did. I gave her four mints for it.
 - That's not work. That's bribery.

I feel naked without at least eyeliner.
 - See, I feel naked without clothes, so I usually wear those.

Well, you had that look on your face like, "First I'm going to find out how you're doing, and then I'm going to destroy your day."

You should wear that out there. Be like, "I killed Victor."
 - I killed him for the hat.
 - I wish you never went to University! Bang!

That might not be the right show.
 - What show would it be?
 - Harvey.
 - See, I'd give it to my family, and my dad would be like, "Well, he said it was an adaptation."
 - I created a giant rabbit. He's invisible.

Now do you see the dangers of this game?
 - There are no dangers. I've only been hurt once, and that was when someone interfered.
 - True. And that someone was your mother.

So your version of flipping the bird to your mother is stealing all her chocolate and bringing it to us.
 - Yes. Also, she told me to.

Overheard at Dunsinane

In which our Diva presents further proof that the higher the body count onstage, the greater the silliness backstage

The Official Macbeth Quote List
GreenMan Theatre Troupe, Fall 2012

Wait, do I come from up-up, or just up?
  -- Galinda Up-Left of the Upper Up-Lefts.

This is the most action I've had all year.
  -- I know.

And she's really a woman?
  -- She's really a woman.
  -- And what is he?
  --  He's a man.

 I'm going to start with lechery.

It sets him on... and it takes him off. There's a child there. I'm sorry.

But I requitted it.
  -- Requited.
  -- Requited... did that too, I believe.

I wanna see that manly readiness.
  -- Come out into the hall.

Uncle Ross! Where are you going? I thought you were staying a week and taking us to Great America!
  -- Great Scotland.
  -- Six Flags Edinburgh.

Nothing like a good bloodcurdling scream.
  -- I don't think I've ever done one of those.

He will teach you how to fall so you don't hurt yourself. Because you've just been stabbed. I'm sorry.

Home fry of treachery!

I feel like I should have a weapon. Even though I don't fight.
  -- You're so violent.
  -- It might make me feel more manly.
  -- So would a sock in your pants.

He's impressed everyone into this army.
  -- Except me. I'm off topping myself.

Macduff was from his mother's womb untimely ripped!
  -- Well, here's a howdy-do.

His k-nell is k-nolled.
  -- Ooh, cannoli?

Three waitresses for the gruel.
  -- It's good stuff.

You're smiling. You're happy. You're king.

I lost one of our children. We have a son/daughter. I'm not sure.

Say goodbye to your chickens.
  -- They're McNuggets, man. Colonel's gonna be happy tonight.

Come be my adopted child. Look, husband, we have another one!
  -- Yes!

You have a throne here, so at some point in this speech you want to sit and... be king.

Good job, honey! Way to get him!
  -- A ghost!

And you're free to paint your story out here. "And you were there! And you were there! It's good to be back in Kansas!"

Thou mayest revenge. Oh. Ohhhh.
  -- Come over here so I can kill you.

Aaaand, fight-fight-fight, fight-fight-fight, die-die-die.

Let me play you the saddest song on the most brutal violin ever.

Last night you were a bench, and tonight Ryan is a chair.

How do you say that to a lady? "Spread your legs a little bit more."

So I hope you've been practicing a good yell. A war cry.
  -- Well, I couldn't on the train.

And remember they make great gifts.
  -- Nothing says "I love you" like a t-shirt from a murder.

If not for the fact that you cut your fingers off when you cut his throat.
  -- Thou'rt the best o' the cutthroats.
  -- Was't not the way?

Knock, knock, never at quiet! Never at quiet. But don't tell me.

So do I go this way to protect them? I want to save my children, but I don't know how.

We hear the scream, beat, and then we see Jimmy.
  -- I can remember that.

Did everyone get their picture taken who wants to?
  -- It's a choice?
  -- Just use a picture of Hugh Jackman for mine.

Ah! That's why you're a bad mother!

The witches will see you now.
  -- Now I'm picturing her like a 50s secretary. "Mistah Macbeth!"

And with my sword I'll prove the lie thou speak'st!
 -- You should probably get a sword.
  -- Macbeth's planning to use the Force.

Poof! And I drop gold coins.

God save the king!
  -- Thank you.

The other attendant went off with the bloody captain, so he cannot be a head-bearer.

Why don't you take the staff and "Hail Macbeth!"
  -- Better stand back, Macbeth. She'll take you out early.

Worthy MacDeath!

He wants the natural touch. He lacks... He's a lousy father.
  -- What? How dare you blaspheme me!

She gets warned twice, and she still doesn't get it.
  -- It's the thought that counts.
  -- I get like a ten-second warning!

He's your favoritest uncle.
  -- He's her only uncle.
  -- That too.

Whither should I fly? I have done no harm.
  -- Aaaahhh!!
  -- Not yet.

I'm just dying to do the scene.
  -- Don't say "dying" about this scene.

Are we eating worms? Om-nom-nom.
  -- I don't like worms. I realize they have a lot of protein, but I don't like worms.

Double, double, toil and trouble! Fire burn and cauldron bubble!
 -- [from corridor] Arooooooo!

Let's take it from that finger.
  -- That finger?
  -- Give him the finger, Grace!

And when he says "horrible sight"... You say "horrible sight," right?
  -- We can only hope.

Good. Excellent. I wanted to point that out right when it happened.
  -- Now I'll never say it like that again.

Witches, try not to get in the way of a sword. Fighters, try not to get in the way of a witch.

And all my children?
  -- They were well on the Red Line when I did see 'em.

I want to start with Act V Scene II, which is when the rebels start to assemble.
  -- You mean the liberators of Scotland.

The cry of women, plural. I scream, you scream.
  -- We all scream for dead queen.

That's all right. They'll remember the porter. That's all I care about.

Let's take it from the bad news.
  -- Your pizza will be delivered late.

That speech soars with the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. To quote NBC Wide World of Sports.
  -- In the 70s.

Hey, there's a question. Do I get my own thumb?
  -- We have a thumb. Well, we have four fingers.
  -- Set your thumb in your costume.

The Bears are winning 10-7, if anyone cares.
  -- Oh, you are good.
  -- I'm a full-service AD.

Oh, look at the time. Ding! *heads offstage*

Let's try that one more time, much slower.
  -- All of us?
  -- Well, one of you can't go slow and the rest go full speed.

He's going to go quite a way away from you, and it'll look closer to the audience.
  -- It looks pretty close to me too.

Oh shlave!
  -- Shlave?
  -- Yiddish Macbeth.

He's only mostly dead.
  -- Flllllyyyyyyy gooood Fllleeeaaaaaance...

Oh, the Duncan murder. We just had a murder.
  -- I know! I just can't get enough murder.

I thought he was over there.
  -- No.
  -- I don't know. I've been drinking all night.

Whatever it takes to make you look as good as the rest of us.
  -- How much time have you got?

It is a peerless kinsman.
  -- That's right, I am.

Oops. I just stabbed the ground.

I thought it was Steve.
 -- Uh, Steve Two.
  -- Paging Steve Two.

Let's put the sword in his crotch, shall we?
  -- That's a great plan.

Wow, it looks just like Carl!
  -- You are currently a coconut pirate head.

And his fiend lite queen! 
-- I'm not a fiend. I'm just fiend lite.
  -- She's just misunderstood.
  -- That's right.

Bless you, fair maid. Fair maid?
  -- Not with two kids, she ain't.

I'm going to find a drink of water somewhere. All that killing has made me thirsty.

She's the old witch. I'm trying to make goo-goo eyes at him.
  -- Grace is playing hard to get. Would you like a fan for this?

And all together on that "seek." He suddenly becomes radioactive.
  -- Evil king cooties!

Thy royal father was a most sainted queen. Blah. He's a cross-dresser.
  -- Scotland was a wacky place.

You don't necessarily want to hurt him, but...
  -- I do want to hurt him.
  -- Well, okay.
  -- Character choice made.

I can teach you a little bit to do with the wooden swords.
  -- As long as you don't kill Mommy.
  -- Or each other.
  -- Oh, I don't care about that.

You look like the Grim Reaper. It's a good look for you.

Can we hear your scream back there?
  -- There's no way he caught us. We are fast.

I thought we were doing half speed, is all.
  -- Oh, that is half speed.

Oh, yeah. This is where you punch me in the face.

And now this is where you say your line.
  -- Yo' momma!
  -- I don't think that's the line.

The attendant holds it in case the king needs it.
  -- Yeah, so if we get attacked, you take the sword and --
  -- Run like hell.

We have about 20 minutes to slice off of Act I. And you have the swords to do it.

My children are interchangeable. That's why I had two.

There's a head in there. I'm not going in there. It's too creepy.

You're scaring the witches. That's a good thing.

Your son, my lord, is a little strange.

If we end it there, Macbeth wins. He's crazy, but he wins.

Root of hemlock digg'd in the dark. Sorry, that creeped me out.

Flash of lightning! Sparks fly! It must be a witch's curse!
  -- Amazing special effects!
  -- And then no lights.
  -- Yeah, those aren't the effects we want.

I like killing Ryan too. That's just funny.

You can clean up your own blood!

From where all the dead bodies are. Can I have my dead bodies, please?
  -- Do you want us to lie down?
  -- Yes.

Think of THIS, good friends, but as a thing of custom. I'll check the other line later.

I have a cold, so we can hug.
  -- I probably gave it to you. Sorry.

Because your mother sewed a label right on the hilt that says "Murderer #1."

Come in, without there! *beat* Really, come in, without there!
  -- These doors are thick, my lord.

How convenient! A head-pole holder!

And now we drink all the beers.
  -- I have almost forgot the taste of beers.

Look! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Stan in a cape.

I'm just going to stab Carl in our fight. Be like, "Yo, Duff! I got him!"

Anybody got any mending they need done?
  -- At home.

Sorry. I got entangled in a fertility cult.

Buckets of blood, no waiting!

He is a murderer, after all.
  -- Yeah, I'm gonna murder your whole family in a little while.
  -- That's rude.
  -- There's a recession on. He needs the money.

 

Hark! A Vagrant by Kate Beaton

A Midsummer Night's Quote List

A Midsummer Night's Dream Official Quote List
Storefront Shakespeare, Summer 2010

Is it gonna be a wall? Like, a wall wall... I am so tired. Proceed.

I will sacrifice my body if I need to.
-- But we need your body!

So there's a frog and an alcoholic chainsaw-wielding princess.

There will be audience everywhere. You'll be tripping over them. But don't actually trip over them.

I have anointed an Athenian's eyes. And so far I am glad I did... sort.

Believe me, King of Shadows... What's happening? Oh, I'm scared of him.

Ho, ho, ho!
-- Santa?

Tim, be gentle with her hair.
-- It's my real hair.
-- It's her nice clean real hair. Look how shiny it is.

I have a reasonable good ear in music. Let's have some Ace of Base.

You look so awkward.
-- Maybe that's because I'm 17 and she's 24.

The rite of May is basically to fornicate.
-- Fornicate among the flowers.
-- It's midsummer, so they're a little late.

Take a moment. Say, "Hi! Hi! Hi! I'm not a donkey!"
-- You jerk. You didn't even call!

And ladies, take your places.
-- Take your places, ladies.
-- Take your places, ladies. Get steppin'!

We don't have time to explain it to the audience.
-- You're dead. Shut up.

Racole will be here soon, and she's bringing toilet paper, and paper towels, and a dog.
-- One of these things is not like the others.

I thought we were getting a robot dog.
-- This is the understudy.

Doesn't a regular warm-up include ice cream?

This tulle presenteth Athens.

Were we just having fun?

Do not interrupt the Duke macking on the future Duchess.

Come, my Hippolyta. What cheer, my love? Where art thou?

On whom I might approve this... What?

You're enjoying this too much. She's hitting you. Stop smiling.
-- Oh.
-- Is there something we should know, Demetrius?

Look how I go, swifter than arrow from Tartar's bow! You guys are in my way!

Do I need to go get ice?
-- No, it's okay.
-- Can you fall on me without hurting yourself?

With Bottom around, I need a drink, man!

We're using Bandit because he's such a quiet dog.
-- A very gentleman-like dog.

To make our sides lit... Oh, that's not it.

Believe me, King of Shadows, you should slap me.

No throwing against the wall, or you'll plaster it.
-- I will!
-- Do you know how to plaster?
-- I'll figure it out.

Manly man.
-- Put a stick up your butt.
-- Yeah, that's basically what I mean.
-- I got a stick.

And crowned with one -- I have a question. Can they be somewhere else?

Okay, go back. Start picking up your monologue.
-- Oh, jeez.

No, that part was acting. I was fine until he stepped on my hair.

And then you storm off.
-- Aww.
-- No, wait! Let me change something!

Merry and tragical? Tedious and brief? Did I just fuck that up?

How many characters can the stage manager play tonight?

I'll try not to almost grab your thingy.

Why are you walking away? I'm talking to you! You don't love me!

This tickles my funny... funnily.

Thou! Thou! Thou hast no cause to break character!

Stand forth... *beat* *beat* Demetrius.

Messengers of strong...
-- Prevailment?
-- Prevailment.

Slowly. Very slowly.
-- Until you feel like an idiot.
-- I'm way past that point.
-- That's acting. If you feel stupid, you're doing it right.

I am a really bad stripper. I get paid in quarters.

We were out there and we were trying to sell ourselves. But, y'know, not literally.

Gina. Gina. Gina. Gina. Gina. Gina. Gina. PUCK!!

I'm like the Girl Scout from Hell.
-- Buy my cookies or die! You will eat these Tagalongs and you will like them!
-- But I'm allergic to peanuts.
-- I DON'T CARE!

What's the sugar for?
-- It has fun in fire.

S'mores in five.
-- Ooooh. Sugar and fire.
-- The perfect combination.

It's an air cannon. It's not dangerous.
-- That comes under famous last words.
-- Or a challenge, if you're the MythBusters.

To eat makes our speaking English good.

The bacon! MY the bacon!

I can't disobey Nora. She's the director. That would make me a diva.
-- Aren't you already one?

Russell, where's your lightsaber?

Ossifer, I'm home. Take me drunk.

Can we paint on my abs?

The counselor was like, "When he flexes you can see his abs?" Oh. Awkward silence.

X is for Ecstasy, which I smoked before I did this show.
-- You smoked Ecstasy?

Okay, why does the bathroom have a sign that says Careful, there may be a squirrel in here?

Lisa used to make me scream like a girl, and I liked it.
-- I think that's too much information.
-- I was Christmas Past.
-- I had to wake up with her in my bed and pretend I didn't like it.

Gina, you need to stop hitting on your stage manager.
-- Stop looking so sexy!

Ben, I love you! Why can't we be together?
-- You know why!
-- I'll turn you straight!

It's not recognizing your face. It's recognizing your boobs as a face.

No one's judging you. Put your clothes on.

Theatre in the round. More like orgy in the round.
-- Promenade theatre: Where the actors touch you. And you like it.

What did I say? Did it make sense?

I'm not coffee-smart.
-- What kind of smart are you?

You found a Walgreens?
-- I found a 7-Eleven. Gotta love the quality of a 7-Eleven. I think I'm bleeding.

I'm smelling that menthol.
-- I don't have to cough anymore, but I want a cigarette.

You've got sticky stuff all over your pants.
-- That's what they all say.

Agh! You're fifteen. Stop looking like you're not!

Nadia, I promise not to injure you today.

It should say Fairy Blaster 9000, because Hippolyta would totally have one of those.
-- Be vewy, vewy quiet. We'we hunting faiwies.

Armed. And legged as well.
-- Especially in those boots.

Tim, there's a bunch of people that look like you outside.

That's okay. You can't break character if I accidentally shoot you while you sleep.

You have to suffer for your art.
-- I did! I got dropped!

Dog crushed by stripper boots. No, sorry, dominatrix boots.
-- No, remember, I got them at a store that caters to drag queens.

Be careful on the ladder.
-- Jackie Chan does some of his best stunts on ladders!
-- Jackie Chan has broken every bone in his body multiple times.
-- I'm not Jackie Chan!

We should really do the fairy free-for-all dodging of the cars.
-- Storefront Shakespeare. In front of the store.

I do have multiple personalities. No, I don't.

Danielle, would you like a sucker?
-- Ooh! Caramel apple apple stuff!

Gina, you have to do the play naked.
-- Then it's A Midsummer Night's Wet Dream.
-- That's the after-show.

I dare you to put that whole wad of noodles in your mouth.
-- It's bigger than your head.
-- It's bigger than Bandit.
-- Can you eat the dog in one bite? If not, don't try it.

My greatest altruistic act is not having children and not cloning myself.
-- I have yet to meet a child who made me regret my vasectomy.

Marky, you should totally ask Nora if you can wear that in the show.
-- Uh, hi, Nora.

Okay, now they're having a slap fight over the hot dog costume.

I call everybody sweetie, honey and dear, which half of them haven't realized is code for dipshit, moron and asshole.
-- And the other half don't care.

Are you bringing sexy back?
-- Honey, I brought it. I used it. I'm tossing it aside.
-- Oooh, sloppy seconds! I'll take it!

Has anyone seen my clothes?
-- That sounds like me after too many wild nights.
-- Sounds like something you'd hear after Rocky.

I haven't slapped you!
-- Yet.

Russell, there are no more naked women, so you can get out your computer.
-- Why would you let the naked women stop you?

I've got ice in my butt.

I don't want to leave when I hear farting problems.

Man, if I were a klepto, this place would be awesome.

Karma!
-- Yeah, I think there might be a lightning bolt. Or a bus. Or it might pull a My Name Is Earl on you.

Russell, did you spend the night?
-- Not intentionally.

Guess what? I just took, like, a ten-hour nap.

Hippolyta, I wooed thee with my hot dog and won thy love --
-- Doing thee... Those weren't injuries, dear. It was a cocktail weenie.
-- It was cold out!

I have Tourette's that comes and goes when it's convenient.

What did you do to Tinkerbell?

*koff* Hey, babe. *koff*

It's harder to storm upstage.

What the ever-loving fuck is going on out there?
-- I don't know. I was there, and I don't know.

Overheard behind the scenes of Pride and Prejudice

I had no idea what a big deal Darcy was. I put it on my Facebook status, and five minutes later there were comments from sixteen women saying "I'm so there!"
-- They do know we're not dunking you in the pond, right?

That is just what I say.
-- But a great deal shorter.

Con-de-scen-sion.

I come on soon as a young military officer. Get Kitty all hot for me. Not sure how I'm going to pull that off.

I hope, ma'am, that a mistrage for my parsonage...

Actually, I guess I'm the heel, but whatever.

If you'd just put yourself out there. Like me.
-- Yeah. To everyone.

I don't want to ruin Darcy's entrance.
-- No, don't do that.

Self-esteem, on the other hand -- hey, this is very important!

Is he not the most something sort of man you ever met?
-- No. Where are we?

How to end a party: Invite Mary to make a speech.

From all that I can collect by your manner of talking, why are you walking away from me?
-- Nobody respects Dad.

And bow. And then the whole dance repeats.
-- *collective groan*
-- You and your damned balls!

Winnie-the-Pooh, XXX version.

Put the 'R' in the jar.

Mr. Bingley. Mr. Collins. Jane Bennet. Charlotte Lucas.
-- Double rubber!

I wasn't here.
-- I have a line on 42. I wasn't anywhere.
-- I have a rock.

What's your line before you talk about me?
-- Depends on whether I get it. It might be "Line."

Escape from Netherfield. It's going to be a Michael Bay film.

Isn't the stink-eye Darcy's default?
-- He made that face and it really froze that way.
-- His mother told him that would happen.

What about the swan? Moo?

The company was delighted to dance.
-- *wrong music*
-- But not to that.

Hey, baby, wanna go out in the back of my high-perched phaeton?

Except you have opposite feet, Larry. Your feet are different than Emily's.
-- Yeah. They're much bigger.

We're sacrificing you to the Jane Austen gods.

What's in a Tom Collins? Vodka and...?
-- Something.

How many drugs do you do?
-- None at all, surprisingly.
-- You should start.

I'm not going to get into a theological debate with you.
-- Not on the Sabbath, in a church. I mean, not any time, but especially that.

Courtney's sick! Don't touch her!
-- You mean I can't poke her like that?
-- *cough*
-- Apparently not.

There are refreshments over there.
-- You baked?
-- I heated.

Since we haven't done the opening in about a year...

Come Liz-- um, what's your name-- Come, Kitty!
-- Now you know she's a mother.

We follow you upstairs and downstairs and upstairs and downstairs.
-- But at no time are you in my lady's chamber. What's up with that?

She's Eeyore!
-- And Lydia is Tigger. The De-Bouncing of Lydia.
-- Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, flirt-flirt-flirt-flirt-flirt.

And Mr. Darcy, of course. As long as he does not use that particular finger to rub his eye.

My infections are unchanged.

People who bring donuts on Saturday will be well loved.
-- On Sunday.
-- Well, Sunday is food too...

No yawning! There's no yawning in theatre.

What are you thinking? What will you look like when you get there?
-- Well, I won't be fit to be seen...

It's the same. Netherfield, but muddier.

Lovely. Now do it without upstaging yourself.
-- D'oh!

"Double rubber" is one of those lines you really don't want to take out of context.
-- It sounds like very, very safe sex.

Style in the aisle!

I see London, I see France, I see Val's...
-- Jeans.

Larry you need to move more than your head. You look like a chicken.
-- You're not a bobblehead doll.

It looks like a Simpsons couch trip.

A-gaaaaaain!

Vahstly, vahstly, VAHSTLY happy to oblige you.

What happened?
-- I don't know.
-- Did you take a wrong turn at Albuquerque?
-- Apparently this was Chris' solo.
-- So the answer to "Can you chew gum and dance at the same time...?"

I am never getting up again. I am going to replace my entire living room with these. And possibly my bed.

The militia regiment was a recent arrival in the neighborhood, and was to remain in Meryton the whole winter.
-- Okay.

Right now it's a little threatening, like "I'm gonna get you! And your little dog too!"
-- To the moon, Elizabeth!

Eee! Eee!
-- And suddenly Kitty is a monkey.

I get to go in front of you!
-- Are you a married woman?

The topiaries are most seriously displeased.

...and you must go in second, because I am a married woman.
-- Okay.

Don't I run away? With joy?

Everybody's very unhappy with my butt.

Kitty and I are going to sit in my dressing room. Or dress in my sitting room.

When sugar is the cause and the solution to your problems, life's pretty good.

Dracula quote list

In which our Diva records the lighter backstage side of her last theatrical endeavor

Missing my Dracula peeps tonight. It really was one of those special casts. And how can you not miss people who say stuff like this...

Dracula Quote List
GreenMan Theatre Troupe, Fall 2008

You're like his pocket Vixens.
-- That's the only time I've ever been referred to as anyone's pocket anything.

The necks on her mark are gone!

Can I have both of them?

What'd you bring us from England, Daddy?

But you've mastered your fear. Jedi vampire.

You are for the ages.
-- He says that to all the girls.

I have experience stripping people that fast.
-- I heard that about you.

Be right with you, Sewie.
-- Soo-ee!

The complacent man!

I see. A gift from an ancient enemy.
-- *beat* Yes. It is.

Vampire domestic violence yay!

Don't worry. You're perfectly sane here.

So it is a cross in his pocket.
-- And he's not at all happy to see her.

Get used to that sofa, Jonathan.

I seen it with mine own toon eyes!

I am not... going to... keep talking.

You're probably gonna give him a creepy stare. And then you'll run away like a little bitch.

Stunt Lucy!

In the name of the Father.
-- *silence*
-- And of the Son.
-- *silence*
-- And of the Holy Ghost.
-- *beat* Oh, I'm sorry. *unholy shriek*

I just call it his bag of tricks. God knows what he's got in there. Van Helsing and his bong.

There's a clown loose in this room with a knife!
-- Disguised as a pen!

That is disturbing.
-- Jonathan "Hara-Kiri" Harker.

You ought to talk to Bluebeard about that locking-us-up thing. It never ends well.

Crash. Bang. Lighting effect.

Wow. You have read ALL of the Sparkle!Crack. I applaud you.

I don't do body fluids.
-- And yet you're in this show.

Every time I do this, I injure you.

I mean, he can just use his Jedi mind trick, and there goes the door.

NOOOOOOOO!! ... Sorry.

Maybe it's sort of crablike.
-- We're going to be everything in the animal kingdom by the time this show is done.

Have not his outbursts coincided with Miss Lucy's... whatever?

There we shall cut off her head and stuff her mouth with garlic.
-- How about driving a stake through her heart first?
-- THEN we will cut off her head and stuff her mouth with garlic.
-- There's no garlic.
-- Do you want some garlic bread?

The tools, Mr. Harker!
-- Power drill.

Now you can procure a ship, Seward.
-- I'll procure a ship and... be a sailor. Line.

I wear the pants in this relationship.
-- Which makes us the garter belt.

And you must be... Mmmmmmina. *squeak* I suck!

I have baby in my hair.

Let's take it from the Seward toss.

Go, Christina!
-- Now we know what this show is about.
-- Where's the riding crop?

So, Mina, we'll hook you up to nobody here. It's a magic transfusion.

He's just a wanton toddler with a violin.

I knew there would be a place for me in your kingdom, a holy *kak*.

It's like I'm catching you and throwing you, all with one hand.
-- Catch and release.

That can't be right. I haven't been to Budapest.

You've got a soup bowl there.
-- I do?
-- The big gold thing.
-- I thought it was a chamberpot.

With what power do you lure the living shit?

Is that what happens? You die, go to heaven, and become a Vixen?

Let's hope you're down in there, so I can go without going.
-- Go without going. Let's not pursue that thought too far.

I wanna bite you.
-- Please?

Can I have some crypt movers?

I'm having fang envy. Yours are bigger than mine.

No more projectile fang incidents!

You mean you don't have three hands?
-- I could do it with my foot. Then we'll see how coordinated I am.
-- It's like rubbing your tummy and patting your head.
-- And chewing gum.

Does she look naked to you?
-- Not naked enough.

There's going to be stuff in that rat. Try not to get it in your eyes.

It's as close to real blood as you can get and still be edible.
-- Real blood is edible.

What flavor are they?
-- Christ-flavored.
-- I can't believe it's not Christ.

And the Vixens give "baby wipes" a whole new meaning.

Can you try to stand steady while the cross is burning?

I feel like we're giving blood. Except I don't get a cookie, dammit!

I'm singing lullabies to the tortillas. That's really all I can do.

Welcome! I am pantsless! *evil laugh*

I give you full permission to do whatever you want. And I don't say that to many men.

I can store everything in here. It's the breast place for it.

There's a whole new meaning to "sucking chest wound."
-- It's more licking.
-- Slurping.

You let someone see your ass?
-- I let him touch it. I didn't let him see it.

You are weak now, but here is roofies.

She can slip me anything she wants.

Who am I kidding? I'm the most anti-deadpan guy I know.
-- Are you undeadpan?