A Midsummer Night's Dream Official Quote List
Storefront Shakespeare, Summer 2010
Is it gonna be a wall? Like, a wall wall... I am so tired. Proceed.
I will sacrifice my body if I need to.
-- But we need your body!
So there's a frog and an alcoholic chainsaw-wielding princess.
There will be audience everywhere. You'll be tripping over them. But don't actually trip over them.
I have anointed an Athenian's eyes. And so far I am glad I did... sort.
Believe me, King of Shadows... What's happening? Oh, I'm scared of him.
Ho, ho, ho!
Tim, be gentle with her hair.
-- It's my real hair.
-- It's her nice clean real hair. Look how shiny it is.
I have a reasonable good ear in music. Let's have some Ace of Base.
You look so awkward.
-- Maybe that's because I'm 17 and she's 24.
The rite of May is basically to fornicate.
-- Fornicate among the flowers.
-- It's midsummer, so they're a little late.
Take a moment. Say, "Hi! Hi! Hi! I'm not a donkey!"
-- You jerk. You didn't even call!
And ladies, take your places.
-- Take your places, ladies.
-- Take your places, ladies. Get steppin'!
We don't have time to explain it to the audience.
-- You're dead. Shut up.
Racole will be here soon, and she's bringing toilet paper, and paper towels, and a dog.
-- One of these things is not like the others.
I thought we were getting a robot dog.
-- This is the understudy.
Doesn't a regular warm-up include ice cream?
This tulle presenteth Athens.
Were we just having fun?
Do not interrupt the Duke macking on the future Duchess.
Come, my Hippolyta. What cheer, my love? Where art thou?
On whom I might approve this... What?
You're enjoying this too much. She's hitting you. Stop smiling.
-- Is there something we should know, Demetrius?
Look how I go, swifter than arrow from Tartar's bow! You guys are in my way!
Do I need to go get ice?
-- No, it's okay.
-- Can you fall on me without hurting yourself?
With Bottom around, I need a drink, man!
We're using Bandit because he's such a quiet dog.
-- A very gentleman-like dog.
To make our sides lit... Oh, that's not it.
Believe me, King of Shadows, you should slap me.
No throwing against the wall, or you'll plaster it.
-- I will!
-- Do you know how to plaster?
-- I'll figure it out.
-- Put a stick up your butt.
-- Yeah, that's basically what I mean.
-- I got a stick.
And crowned with one -- I have a question. Can they be somewhere else?
Okay, go back. Start picking up your monologue.
-- Oh, jeez.
No, that part was acting. I was fine until he stepped on my hair.
And then you storm off.
-- No, wait! Let me change something!
Merry and tragical? Tedious and brief? Did I just fuck that up?
How many characters can the stage manager play tonight?
I'll try not to almost grab your thingy.
Why are you walking away? I'm talking to you! You don't love me!
This tickles my funny... funnily.
Thou! Thou! Thou hast no cause to break character!
Stand forth... *beat* *beat* Demetrius.
Messengers of strong...
Slowly. Very slowly.
-- Until you feel like an idiot.
-- I'm way past that point.
-- That's acting. If you feel stupid, you're doing it right.
I am a really bad stripper. I get paid in quarters.
We were out there and we were trying to sell ourselves. But, y'know, not literally.
Gina. Gina. Gina. Gina. Gina. Gina. Gina. PUCK!!
I'm like the Girl Scout from Hell.
-- Buy my cookies or die! You will eat these Tagalongs and you will like them!
-- But I'm allergic to peanuts.
-- I DON'T CARE!
What's the sugar for?
-- It has fun in fire.
S'mores in five.
-- Ooooh. Sugar and fire.
-- The perfect combination.
It's an air cannon. It's not dangerous.
-- That comes under famous last words.
-- Or a challenge, if you're the MythBusters.
To eat makes our speaking English good.
The bacon! MY the bacon!
I can't disobey Nora. She's the director. That would make me a diva.
-- Aren't you already one?
Russell, where's your lightsaber?
Ossifer, I'm home. Take me drunk.
Can we paint on my abs?
The counselor was like, "When he flexes you can see his abs?" Oh. Awkward silence.
X is for Ecstasy, which I smoked before I did this show.
-- You smoked Ecstasy?
Okay, why does the bathroom have a sign that says Careful, there may be a squirrel in here?
Lisa used to make me scream like a girl, and I liked it.
-- I think that's too much information.
-- I was Christmas Past.
-- I had to wake up with her in my bed and pretend I didn't like it.
Gina, you need to stop hitting on your stage manager.
-- Stop looking so sexy!
Ben, I love you! Why can't we be together?
-- You know why!
-- I'll turn you straight!
It's not recognizing your face. It's recognizing your boobs as a face.
No one's judging you. Put your clothes on.
Theatre in the round. More like orgy in the round.
-- Promenade theatre: Where the actors touch you. And you like it.
What did I say? Did it make sense?
I'm not coffee-smart.
-- What kind of smart are you?
You found a Walgreens?
-- I found a 7-Eleven. Gotta love the quality of a 7-Eleven. I think I'm bleeding.
I'm smelling that menthol.
-- I don't have to cough anymore, but I want a cigarette.
You've got sticky stuff all over your pants.
-- That's what they all say.
Agh! You're fifteen. Stop looking like you're not!
Nadia, I promise not to injure you today.
It should say Fairy Blaster 9000, because Hippolyta would totally have one of those.
-- Be vewy, vewy quiet. We'we hunting faiwies.
Armed. And legged as well.
-- Especially in those boots.
Tim, there's a bunch of people that look like you outside.
That's okay. You can't break character if I accidentally shoot you while you sleep.
You have to suffer for your art.
-- I did! I got dropped!
Dog crushed by stripper boots. No, sorry, dominatrix boots.
-- No, remember, I got them at a store that caters to drag queens.
Be careful on the ladder.
-- Jackie Chan does some of his best stunts on ladders!
-- Jackie Chan has broken every bone in his body multiple times.
-- I'm not Jackie Chan!
We should really do the fairy free-for-all dodging of the cars.
-- Storefront Shakespeare. In front of the store.
I do have multiple personalities. No, I don't.
Danielle, would you like a sucker?
-- Ooh! Caramel apple apple stuff!
Gina, you have to do the play naked.
-- Then it's A Midsummer Night's Wet Dream.
-- That's the after-show.
I dare you to put that whole wad of noodles in your mouth.
-- It's bigger than your head.
-- It's bigger than Bandit.
-- Can you eat the dog in one bite? If not, don't try it.
My greatest altruistic act is not having children and not cloning myself.
-- I have yet to meet a child who made me regret my vasectomy.
Marky, you should totally ask Nora if you can wear that in the show.
-- Uh, hi, Nora.
Okay, now they're having a slap fight over the hot dog costume.
I call everybody sweetie, honey and dear, which half of them haven't realized is code for dipshit, moron and asshole.
-- And the other half don't care.
Are you bringing sexy back?
-- Honey, I brought it. I used it. I'm tossing it aside.
-- Oooh, sloppy seconds! I'll take it!
Has anyone seen my clothes?
-- That sounds like me after too many wild nights.
-- Sounds like something you'd hear after Rocky.
I haven't slapped you!
Russell, there are no more naked women, so you can get out your computer.
-- Why would you let the naked women stop you?
I've got ice in my butt.
I don't want to leave when I hear farting problems.
Man, if I were a klepto, this place would be awesome.
-- Yeah, I think there might be a lightning bolt. Or a bus. Or it might pull a My Name Is Earl on you.
Russell, did you spend the night?
-- Not intentionally.
Guess what? I just took, like, a ten-hour nap.
Hippolyta, I wooed thee with my hot dog and won thy love --
-- Doing thee... Those weren't injuries, dear. It was a cocktail weenie.
-- It was cold out!
I have Tourette's that comes and goes when it's convenient.
What did you do to Tinkerbell?
*koff* Hey, babe. *koff*
It's harder to storm upstage.
What the ever-loving fuck is going on out there?
-- I don't know. I was there, and I don't know.